Remember Baz Luhman’s re-imagining of Shakespeare’s ‘Romeo and Juliet’? Well, I like to think this is on a par with that…’
Narrator: Daddy Pig is getting ready to go to work.
Daddy Pig: Why are the papers I need buried under another sodding soggy nappy? *Throws nappy across the office, waking up a dozing Mr Skinny Legs.* Why I can’t be like Mummy Pig getting to stay at home all day, playing with the kids and watching ‘Homes Under the Hammer?’ *Leaves house muttering expletives under his breath.*
Peppa and George: Bye Daddy!
Narrator: Peppa and George head into the kitchen where Mummy Pig is standing over the kitchen sink eating the left overs from Peppa Pig’s discarded Rice Krispies.
Peppa Pig: Mummy, can we make something?
Mummy Pig: *Begins to rock back and forth* Not arts and crafts, not arts and crafts, not arts and crafts…
Peppa Pig: Mummy? Are you okay?
Mummy Pig: Are you sure, Peppa? Your tablet is upstairs charging.
Peppa Pig: Yes I am sure, Mummy.
Mummy Pig: *Sighs and eyes up the bottle of gin on the top shelf of the pantry before realising that it is 9.30am and drinking before 11am is often frowned upon.* What would you like to make, Peppa?
George Pig: Dinosaur.
Peppa Pig: Oh George, you always say dinosaur. If I am being honest, George I am slightly concerned at your lack of vocabulary at two years old. According to NHS guidelines, you should be starting to piece small sentences together by now.
Mummy Pig: I’m not making a dinosaur. Who do you think I am? Mr Maker? Let’s make an…erm…wait a sec…an aeroplane. They only take a minute to make.
Peppa Pig: Can we make an aeroplane that flies?
Mummy Pig: Well, we can try. All we need is some paper.
Peppa Pig: We know where there’s paper.
Narrator: There is lots of old paper strewn all over the floor and desk in the work-room because Daddy Pig never bloody tidies up after himself.
Peppa Pig: Here’s some paper.
Mummy Pig: Oh, brilliant. *Rolls eyes.*
Narrator: Mummy Pig is going to make a ‘pig’s ear’ out of making a paper aeroplane.
Mummy Pig: Fold the paper down the middle. Now fold the corners in at one end. Fold those corners in again to make a point. Then fold the sides back like this.
Narrator: Mummy Pig glances over to see that George has made a right royal mess of his plane and grabs it from him.
Pepper Pig: That’s doesn’t look like an aeroplane, Mummy.
Mummy Pig: It’s a budget airline. *She does her best to fix George’s aeroplane.*
Peppa Pig: Paper aeroplanes!
Mummy Pig: Let’s see if they can fly. Although, I very much doubt George’s will. He has the attention of a gnat that boy does; I’ll be having words with Madame Gazelle next time I bloody see her.
Narrator: They go out into the garden. It’s cold because it’s always bloody cold when Mummy Pig has a day off with the kids.
Mummy Pig: Ready, steady go!
Narrator: Mummy Pig’s aeroplane has flown into a tree.
Peppa Pig: My turn!
Narrator: Peppa’s aeroplane has landed in a flowerpot.
Peppa Pig: Your turn George.
Narrator: George’s aeroplane is doing the loop the loop while Peppa looks on fuming. She breathes a sigh of relief as she sees it heading for the duck pond.
Peppa Pig: I want to make a big aeroplane now because I am just never satisfied.
Mummy Pig: Why? It will just do the same thing. *Rolls eyes knowing that she is fighting a losing battle.* Okay, we will need a really big piece of paper.
Narrator: Peppa and George run back into Daddy Pig’s office.
Peppa Pig: Here’s a big piece of blue paper. It has a picture of a house on it and looks rather important, but I just don’t give a shit.
Narrator: Peppa and George have made a big blue aeroplane. Mummy Pig notices that it is made out of some official looking blue paper, but she doesn’t give a shit either because Daddy Pig shouldn’t have just left it laying around the house like he does with everything he owns.
All: Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Hello everyone!
Mummy Pig: Why the hell are you not at work? You better not have been bloody caught photocopying your tail again?
Daddy Pig: No, Mummy Pig. *Smirking at the memory.* I have actually forgotten some important papers.
Peppa Pig: Daddy, we are making paper aeroplanes. *Shoves important blue document literally under his snout.* We made a really big one.
Daddy Pig: Wow! Fantastic. Well, seeing as it’s the middle of the day and I don’t have anywhere to be apart from work, I may as well throw it for you because you need someone big to throw this important looking blue paper aeroplane. Go!
Narrator: The big blue aeroplane is flying very high and very far.
Mummy Pig: Bloody show off.
Peppa Pig: Erm, how are we going to get that back? FFS, Dad. We were having fun before you came along.
Narrator: Mummy Pig stifles a giggle because at this moment in time, she is the fun parent. She will cling onto this accolade for as long as possible.
Daddy Pig: Ho ho. Bye bye aeroplane. Right, now I need to find my important pieces of work paper. Has anyone seen any pieces in paper bearing in mind that you have been making paper planes all morning.
Peppa Pig: Erm.
Mummy Pig: Maybe you should follow me.
Peppa Pig: Is this one of your important papers Daddy?
Daddy Pig: Yes, that’s one of them.
Peppa Pig: Is this one of your important papers Daddy?
Daddy Pig: Yes, thank you Peppa. Why are we at the duck pond?
Narrator: Daddy Pig stands dumbstruck as a duck stands up, walks out of the pond and hands the piece of paper to him – a walking talking pig.
Daddy Pig: The only paper I am missing now is the big blue print.
Mummy Pig: Is it big and blue?
Peppa Pig: Like the aeroplane you threw a long way away Daddy?
Daddy Pig: Sh*t.
Peppa Pig: The one we said bye bye to?
Daddy Pig: Sh*t. Maybe I should ring the office.
Narrator: This is daddy pig’s office.
Mr Rabbit: Daddy Pig! Where the f*ck are you? You do know it’s not common practice to just get up and leave the office don’t you? You had better had found those papers, you know.
Daddy Pig: Erm.
Mr Rabbit: I have a list as long as my paw of snotty nosed apprentices desperate for your job. Do you know that?
Daddy Pig: Erm. I found some of them.
Mr Rabbit: You better have that blue paper print or you’re sacked.
Daddy Pig: That might be a problem.
Peppa Pig: *Shouting down the phone.* Daddy threw it away.
Daddy Pig: Shut up, Mouth!
Mr Rabbit: Threw it away!
Peppa Pig: And it flew and flew forever. *This pig just doesn’t know when to stop.*
Daddy Pig: Christmas is cancelled for you.
Mr Rabbit: Argh! it’s here. It has landed on my desk, you lucky son of bitch.
Daddy Pig: Ah, good. I can take the rest of the day off then, can’t I?
Mr Rabbit: Get that curly tailed ass of yours back in the office now or Colin Caterpiller from the photocopying room is getting your job.
Narrator: With that, Daddy Pig hangs up the phone, jumps in his car and drives off. Mummy Pig, Peppa Pig and George Pig go back inside. Mummy Pig settles herself down to watch ‘Loose Sows’ whilst muttering something under her breath about her ‘not sodding tidying up Daddy’s pig sty of an office’. Peppa and George sit, glassy eyed, next to Mummy Pig playing the CBeebies app on their tablets. No one ever says the words ‘paper aeroplane’ again.