To be rapped loudly to the theme tune of ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ (the unedited version.)
Now this is a story all about me,
How my house became a mess and why I’m always grubby,
And I’ll like to take a minute just sit right there,
‘Cos I’ll show you how to master the CBeebies blank stare.
In lovely West Yorkshire, I spend most of my days,
Cleaning, not sleeping and dozing in soft plays,
No chilling or relaxing, it’s taxing, not cool,
Wading knee deep in ball pools, I look like a fool.
Then a couple of mums see me stuck on the slide.
“Scootch on down!” they say, but it’s no good I’ve tried.
I managed one sip of tea before my kid got scared,
He got stuck in a net and shouted at anyone who cared.
My daughter begs and pleads for something every single day,
For toys and sweets and her own goddamn way.
She shouts and screams so she gives me no choice,
Out come the big guns: my loud teacher voice.
She cries and on my cheeks she’s suddenly a kissing,
I grab my keys to the car and ask her which Barbie she’s missing.
I praise those mommas who have braved having a third,
Just how many more years do you want covered in turd?
Some mornings I wake and think I could do it again.
But then I think nah forget it, I prefer myself sane.
I pull up to my house about seven or eight,
I’ve been at parents’ evening and you’re telling me they’re still bloody awake!
But, then I look over at my babies and I love them to their bones
Now please go to bed so I can watch ‘Game of Thrones’!